So I'll get a few 'gems' out of the way first.
On Friday morning (having been awake half the night with a migraine) I had one of those delightful 'teeth falling out' dreams. I think these are meant to be a sign of anxiety, but it seems like a reasonable thing to worry about to me.
This one felt particularly real. I looked in the mirror and saw blood on my lips. I was picking up bits of teeth, some even stuck together in a row on a bit of gum/jaw. Somehow at one point I was looking right into my own mouth.
So yeah, that was a thing.
On Sunday we lost Madison
So on Saturday evening, when I let the girls out for their evening play, I noticed that Madison wasn't walking properly.
She wasn't showing any other signs typical of insulinoma etc (drooling, seeming out of it, spasms)- she drank when i held the dish in front of her, ate a bit of mince and egg although not a large amount. I put her on cage rest.
Later on in the evening she ate a little more mince and had more water. I was checking the ferret cam to see if I could see how she'd hurt herself, as I was still thinking it was an injury at this point- it seemed to be one leg in particular and not her whole back half.
I couldn't see anything on the footage that looked like she'd hurt herself, but it did look like she'd started off with a very slight limp earlier in the day and it had slowly progressed. I felt bad for not spotting it sooner, but although thought hopefully this meant it wasn't too serious.
Now this was very late on a Saturday, only options for vets it's the emergency one an hours drive away and where there wouldn't be anyone who particularly knows ferrets. So while keeping it in mind, I didn't think they'd be able to do much. I hoped what food I'd got into her, and the rest, would do her some good.
I couldn't sleep and got up at 3am, went in to check on her and she was just lying awake looking at me. I knew i wasn't going back to sleep then.
I gathered a selection of dishes - water, mince, cat milk, salmon oil, syringe - and got settled with her on the sofa. She seemed fairly calm.
She drank a bit more water, licked up a bit of mince with salmon oil, had a bit of salmon oil from the bottle.
I knew at this point that she probably wasn't going to make it through the night. I did consider waking Dan up, but then I thought of the long drive, the scary unfamiliar place... and she seemed calm. These decisions are never easy but I decided then that she'd be better at home.
She was on my lap, wrapped in a blanket as I stroked her, and as one point she started struggling to move. She couldn't really use her back legs to readjust herself so I had to try and guess how she wanted to be. I set her in front of the water dish and she drank eagerly, and just for a moment I thought 'she's determined, maybe she'll make it'.
But, no.
I sat with her for two hours. Only right at the end did she seem in some distress, ferrets are very good at hiding pain but her whiskers were twitching and she was panting. I held her and she became calm again. Soon after that, just after 5am she passed.
I'm not going to post dead pet photos here, but when she was gone she looked so calm. I hope she wasn't in too much pain, and that I did the right thing. I've certainly (unfortunately) seen animals in much more distress.
I sat looking at her as it happened, quite stunned, and just thought about all the others. Fergus, Nancy, Zoe, Misty, Philbert. Queenie who we lost in November. Precious. All my friends who've lost pets recently.
I thought about all the times it's going to happen again, and how if it happens too often I might just not be able to feel anything. How it feels like I have to close up and protect my heart.
I don't regret rescuing, and I know I'll probably do it again in future, but I need a break from bad things or my hearts gonna feel like swiss cheese.
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Well. I was GOING to go back into pictures and other updates after the shit, but now that I've reached this point I don't really think I can follow it up with anything light so I'll end there
I've also had a lovely cold off and on for a couple of weeks, and from Friday it became migraine-y but luckily the worst of it is over. However at times it's been hard to tell what ache is from what.
I'll be back soon with silliness and fun, but for now goodnight. Sleep well Madison x
(Nice sombre song for today)
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