The subtle art of being absolutely perfect

 I keep having thoughts and adding them to a list of 'stuff to write about' but this one popped up and I thought I'd just... Actually write about it.

It's about the delicate juggling act of not giving a shit, or trying not to give a shit, or at least seeming like you don't give a shit when you actually give many shits.

Maybe I should start again. When you hear about famous or admired people you often hear 'they don't care what people think of them', they do it their way, march to the beat of their own drum etc. And while I'm sure their actions often speak to this, I think surely everyone cares a little bit. If you don't care at all what other people think of you, ever, then you're probably a sociopath. But having the confidence to do what you want is generally seen as a positive trait.

Confidence. I've heard and read so many pieces of advice for building confidence. LOVE YOURSELF it says. No matter what you look like, you can still be attractive if you have CONFIDENCE. You shouldn't worry about your looks anyway, let your personality shine through. Be friendly, funny, kind or whatever and people will love you. Again, this is always talked of in a positive way. But also, not everyone is going to love you and you just have to shrug that off. But then when we see someone we don't like who has that confidence, and possibly is conventionally attractive, suddenly 'Oh she LOVES HERSELF' becomes an insult.

So basically you've got to love yourself, but not too much, don't put yourself down because you might be seen as fishing for compliments, don't care about the way you look but don't be TOO happy about it either.

Of course if you're worrying about people thinking you're self-pitying, or full of yourself, or whatever, then you are clearly GIVING A SHIT and you can't let people know that. Because you're also worrying about people thinking you give a shit, right? 

I tend to swing between two points of either thinking that I look pretty good, all things considered, and seeing fault in every part of myself. Both points generally lead me to dress more for comfort (either i look good and don't need to make an effort, or there's no point making an effort because i can't change the way i look). Or there might be the burst of confidence/energy where I dress up and then I'm pretty brave because I'm not concerned about looking 'weird'. 

But under it all, what I'm wearing doesn't really indicate how I'm feeling about myself, and I'm always concerned about how people *think* I see myself, like a hall of mirrors. At the height of confidence, dressed up, I can be struck by a sense that people might think I *love myself*, and I want to point out all my faults so they know I don't see myself as better than them. But then... if I actually do that I'm fishing for compliments or, even worse, emphasising the faults of others. If i mention feeling too skinny, it sounds like a boast to those who want to lose weight. Or if i focus on another aspect i might be bringing down those who resemble me in that regard.

I like to tell myself that everyone is secretly worrying like this, that under every 'Im happy with myself and if you don't like it, lump it' there is some inner anxieties. But it also seems like not everyone can be second guessing themselves and over-thinking these things like I do.